Quarrels

Cory Booker starts one of the chapters in his book United with a quote from John F. Kennedy, “So let us not be petty when our cause is great. Let us not quarrel amongst ourselves when our Nation’s future is at stake”

 

The first couple of paragraphs of the chapter that starts with this quote from Kennedy introduce Booker’s dad and his diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease. Booker writes about the incredible courage shown by his dad in the face of such a devastating disease, and what it meant for Booker to watch his dad fight through Parkinson’s while Booker was campaigning for the Senate.

 

It is easy to be caught up in the day to day relationships we have with the people around us and to focus on our interactions with people at the office, our neighbors, and our family without thinking about a bigger picture and the greater context we find ourselves within. When our perspective is narrowed, it can be easy to allow simple quarrels to shape our behaviors and actions and it can be easy for us to be tossed around by our emotional reactions to small things. Our daily interactions with others begin to take on more meaning than they warrant as we imbed meaning to meaningless actions and behaviors.

 

The quick story about Booker’s father and his fight against Parkinson’s brings Kennedy’s quote to life. It shows us that our lives are worth more than the quarrels we allow to drive our behaviors and out reactions to people and the world. When we loose sight of how important our lives are (not in the sense of galactic or history shaping importance) we allow the unimportant and petty to drive our experiences. When we step back and understand that this life is all we have, that our perceptions and experiences are all we have, we can become more self-aware of our behaviors and the way we use the precious time we have in our life.

 

Each action on its own may not shape the direction of our nation’s future, but our actions do shape the direction of our lives. Allowing petty disagreements and jealousies to shape the way we go about our lives prevents us from seeing that we have great opportunity simply by being alive in this century. As Colin Wright wrote in his book Act Accordingly, “You have exactly one life in which to do everything you will ever do. Act accordingly.”
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A Relationship With Yourself

When we think about relationships, thinking about ourselves is easy. What do I want, what kind of person will make me happy, why is my partner acting this way toward me? We spend a lot of time thinking about ourselves and about what we want, but all this thought rarely leads us to actually reflect and get to know ourselves better. We spend a lot of time with our impulses, desires, and the things that satisfy us, but we don’t often take the time to truly know ourselves. Author Colin Wright believes that we must focus beyond our desires and what makes us happy to understand who we are deep down in order to become better people for the world and better people in relationships. At the end of his book Some Thoughts About Relationships he writes,

“Your most intimate relationship is, and should always be, with yourself. Acknowledge and maintain that foundation, then reach out into the world and help others do the same. Ensure that your sense of “me” is mighty so that your sense of “we” can follow suit.”

Inward reflection helps us understand our impulses, emotions, reactions, and expectations. When these remain hidden from us, we act in ways that are guided by thoughts that we do not always understand, and our life is likely to be out of alignment as we strive forward based on ideas and pressures that impact our lives without our knowing.  Getting to know these parts of ourselves helps us make better decisions and act more rationally in any situation.

Knowing who we are also means reflecting on the parts of ourselves that we try to hide from the world so that we understand not just the positive side of who we are, but also the negative side. The end of Some Thoughts About Relationships aligns with previous work from Wright. In Considerations he wrote, “Reach deep and acknowledge the dark parts of who you are, then sand smooth or sharpen those aspects of yourself, just as you would with any bad habit or misfit trait. It seldom serves us to conceal any part of ourselves, especially from ourselves.” The better we become at working through the negative parts of ourselves, the better we can empathize with others and connect with people facing the same challenges. In this way, our obstacles help us grow and help us aid others in their growth. A strong relationship with ourselves helps us better know humanity, and helps us connect with others on a more personal and meaningful level.

Present Minded Relationships

Self-reflection is a central theme in all of Colin Wright’s writing, and his book Some Thoughts About Relationships provides us with real life examples of how self-awareness and reflection can help us in our day to day lives. In his book, Wright describes how our relationships can be strengthened when we focus on the context around our relationships and can identify our ideas, expectations, and reactions surrounding our current relationships.  Focusing on past relationships without considering context can take us away from our current relationship, and trying to live in a relationship while constantly thinking about what we will want from our relationship in the future risks damaging our current interactions with our partner. Focusing too much on either past or future relationships makes it difficult for us to engage in a meaningful way with the people in our lives right now.

 

In his book, he writes, “The ‘you’ of this moment should judge relationships based on who you are now and what you want today, not standards made up by someone else, standards developed by you at a very different time in your life, or standards that you think may apply to you at some point in the future. Allow your happiness to be now-centric and enjoy it.”

 

Wright is not encouraging us to live a wild lifestyle based purely on hedonistic desires, but rather encourages us to be present in our relationships and to be aware of what we and our partner want, expect, and enjoy. His quote is powerful because it addresses many of the hang-ups that people face in relationships when they are not honest with themselves or their partner.

 

Seeking a relationship to mirror that of your parents or to avoid the troubles of your parents can put a lot of pressure on you to build a relationship that fits a preconceived notion of what a happiness is, how you should act, and how your partner should act. Approaching a relationship in this way is an act of giving up control of your own relationship and self, and places unrealistic burdens and demands on both you and your partner as you try to live an idealized life meant to impress others rather than bring about growth and fulfillment for you and your significant other.

 

Similarly, focusing on past relationships or future expectations can be dangerous as it may lead you to try to change yourself or your partner to fit environments in which you do not actually live. Asking your partner to fit into a mold built by past relationships may be unrealistic since your relationship with your current partner is between you and them, and not you and your past self or a past individual. Asking your partner to fit your future expectations is equally challenging since you can never truly predict what you will want and need in your future life. Living outside the present forces you and your partner to constantly live in a balance where fictional ideas of relationships impact who you at the expense of what you actually feel, want, and experience.

Independently Fulfilled

Some Thoughts About Relationships is a set of reflections from Colin Wright about how we interact with other people. Wright focuses on stoic philosophy and principles based on self-reflection, awareness, and rational consideration of the world. He merges these ideas with our relationships with other people, both romantic and collegial, and helps us understand some of the feelings, frustrations, and tendencies we experience in relationships. His views of the importance of self-reflection and awareness are evident in his belief that to have a strong relationship with another, you must know yourself and be confident in who you are as a person outside of relationships. He writes, “If you want to find fulfillment with another person, and ideal first step is to become personally, independently fulfilled.”

 

When I talk to my friends about relationships I often return to this idea. Being a complete person on your own is important to finding someone that you can spend time with. Believing that you are not complete on your own leaves you in a place where your own happiness is dependent on another person, and in effect what that means is that you are giving up control of your mind, the one thing we may actually have some degree of control over.

 

By reflecting on ourselves and learning to be happy with who we are, even if we are already in a relationship, we can strengthen ourselves to be able to better interact with those around us. Once we live in alignment with our goals and ideals, we can better build relationships into our lives.

 

It is a heavy burden to ask another person to be themselves and to be part of who we are, completing some part of ourselves. If we cannot define who we are on our own, then we will never be satisfied with the definitions we receive from another person. It is simply too much to ask another person to be the thing that makes us a whole person, especially if we expect them to be a whole person as well.

Being the Real You in a Relationship

Sometimes it is hard to be true, honest, and authentic in a relationship. While it is natural and normal to react differently to different people with different energy, enthusiasm, and activity levels, it is not natural to constantly be adopting a new personality whenever you are around another person. Author Colin Wright focuses on this in the context of romantic relationships, but his advice can spread across any type of relationship. He describes the importance of having space, accepting silence, and developing privacy in a relationship, and about the three he writes, “In aggregate, the three concepts that make up the Space, Silence, Privacy Policy allow people in a relationship to demonstrate trust, have lives outside the partnership, and be comfortable with their partner, without feeling the need to put on a show every moment of every day.”

I like Wright’s quote because it speaks about the importance of being oneself in a relationship. He shows that the base of an authentic relationship is a mixture of togetherness, trust, and independence, which allow each person to be unique and individual. When we can live authentically in a relationship, we can put our true selves forward and trust that we will be accepted.

If we fail to build the foundation Wright describes, then it is like we are never truly in a relationship at all. If our relationship is based on expected actions and behaviors, rather than trust and respect, then we will have to always live up to a standard and expectation that may be separate from who we truly are. In a romantic relationship this could mean hiding our true feelings and always going along with the other person’s ideas, and in a business relationship this could be holding back true feelings to simply agree with anything a partner does. In both situations, rather than being open and honest, we are denying part of ourselves in an act meant to please someone else.

Silence in a Relationship

I can remember when I first started dating in high school, and how challenging it was for me to go on drives with my girlfriend at the time, because I was afraid of silence while in the car with her. I never truly understood why I would become so anxious during those moments, everything was fine and we were driving some place interesting, but the fact that there was no communication was somehow a challenge for me. Author Colin Wright explains the apprehension I was feeling and the importance of silence within relationships in his book, Some Thoughts About Relationships. Wright explains that silence when you are together with your significant other is not a bad thing, and he has a somewhat romantic vision of silence. He writes, “Many people find silence difficult because they assume that if they can’t keep their partner entertained or engaged at all times, something is wrong. This couldn’t be further from the truth, so long as both people understand that silence is a means of being alone together, not a communication break down.”

 

My high school self was a perfect example of Wright’s description of someone who found silence in a relationship difficult. I was not confident in myself, and I was afraid that I had to be constantly entertaining to impress and excite the girl I was with. Ultimately this probably led to me being more of a clown than necessary, where I could have been myself, could have been confident in the relationship, and could have been more relaxed and at ease. Reading Wright’s thoughts, and looking back at those relationships, I am able to take away lessons surrounding the importance of being able to be together and be silent, enjoying the company of the other.

 

Wright imagines an elderly couple, both silently engaged in their own activities, like a craft or reading. They can be happy and content together, even if they don’t expect  to be constantly entertaining each other. Being present with another means that we recognize when they are around us and what they are doing, even while we are engrossed in our own activities. You may not be sharing the same interest at the same time, but it is important to be able to share the same space and moment in time without always needing to be engaged in conversation or communication. Sometimes those moments communicate more than what we express with words.

Space in a Relationship

How much independence one has in a relationship is something that is rarely discussed openly and honestly within a relationship, but it is an important consideration for a healthy and successful partnership. The challenge in finding the right level of independence is that it is unlikely two people will have the same need for space and the same need for intimacy. Throughout his books, author Colin Wright provides us insight into his life, and he often refers to his need for time on his own. His reflections on his time alone give him a unique insight into the importance of space in relationships.

 

In his book, Some Thoughts About Relationships, Wright creates a policy for approaching independence and writes, “Having space in a relationship means that you’re able to get time alone. It means being able to tuck away somewhere and read without being distracted by someone who is, lets be honest, quite distracting for many wonderful reasons.” There is a pressure, especially in romantic relationships, to always be near your partner, and finding time together in a world that moves fast and demands much of our time for work is quite important, but Wright thinks we should also discuss the time we need to ourselves. Failing to be honest about how much independence and time we need on our own is in some way hiding ourselves from the person we care about.

 

For Wright, it is important to find the right balance of time to ones self to be able to recharge and be content with who we are. It is hard to be a fully committed and connected individual in a relationship if one does not feel confidence and fulfillment in their own self. Allowing ourselves or our partner to have the space and time that they need will allow for that confidence and individual fulfillment that each person needs to bring to a relationship.